Looking over this week's new releases, I couldn't help but feel bad for the prom. Ever noticed how something horrible always happens at the prom when it's featured in a movie? Either someone gets killed, someone gets humiliated, someone gets way too drunk -- where's the film about a bunch of kids who simply had a swell time at their prom? My prom never ended in disaster ... and yet we love to imagine a world where only the worst thing imaginable takes place at prom. Poor kids. (The latest prom-related horror flick, Prom Night, hits theaters this Friday.)

This got me thinking: What other fun real-life events are there to turn into horrific tragedies? Perhaps some studio will take a chance on ... Fourth Grade Play! Oh yes, it was supposed to be a simple performance of Romeo & Juliet until Shakes showed up with his deadly spear. Then there's ... Ira's Bar Mitzvah! Go ahead Ira -- spin the dreidel ... of fear! Or how about Sweet Sixteen! If you thought Amanda turned into a monster when things didn't go her way ... you have no idea what happens when the DJ forgets to play The Electric Slide!

Okay, here's your chance aspiring screenwriters: Who's got a fantastic horror script called My Bloody Baptism that they're just dying to get out there? What other so-called "special childhood events" should Hollywood tackle (in a horrific way, of course) on the big screen?

Not long ago we posted three new Joker pics that were leaked online. After discussing the situation with a whole bunch of folks, we decided to remove them. They just spoiled too much of the film, and we at Cinematical did not want to be responsible for that. So, sorry. I know you all want your Dark Knight fix, as do we, but everyone needs to be responsible for how much Dark Knight they allow into their body. I don't need anyone to overdose on The Dark Knight today.* So you kids keep it in your pants and go about your business.

In other news, how much fun was April Fool's Day? I didn't realize how many sites would participate in the holiday, providing a slew of hysterical content to surf through all day long. Great job all around. Here's a wonderful email we got from a fan who (I think) thoroughly enjoyed our Justice League April Fools gag:

"I am calling for the immediate resignation or removal of Erik Davis from this now "so-called" cinema news site. That he would engage in such idiotic April Fools hijinks's is inconceivable. That management of this site would condone it is an even more ridiculous! If action is not taken, I will no longer be visiting this site, and will no longer patronize anyone who has advertised on this site. Shame on you, management. And shame is on you, Erik. I actually thought you were a "real" journalist. . . Thanks, "Mr. Glass."

I shall respond to this adorable reader email after the jump ...

*For the record, when I wrote this I totally was not thinking what you all thought I was thinking. I agree, in that context, it's a horrific joke in poor taste. But know that I wasn't going there; I was trying to go somewhere else with it. And believe me, if I was going there, I'd be the first to admit it.

I've been on hold for the Macy's Fraud Department for an hour and a half. Seriously. An hour and a half! How do you make someone wait THAT long on hold? Haven't we fixed these issues yet? What, does Macy's have, like, one person who works for them? Ugh.

Anyway, I suck at introductions, so I'll just come right out with it: Two new writers have joined our staff here at Cinematical recently; both of whom chose to be beat-in instead of sexed-in, thank God. They are Elisabeth Rappe and Eugene Novikov. They are two very cool people with different tastes and different opinions, and so we welcome them to our team and ask you nutty readers to take it easy on them as they slowly transition into our rowdy circle of elitist film snobs.

Also, in case you have not noticed, we've added a little Featured Stories thingy on the right side below that Cinematical Seven banner. See it? There's three of them up now, and those will change every day. They will predominantly feature the day's hottest stories, as well as posts with healthy ongoing debates. There will be lots more changes in the coming weeks, so stay tuned. And, as always, definitely let us know what you'd like to see here on the site in the comments section below.

p.s. I'm still on hold. Make that two hours. ARGH!

So last night I found out my identity was stolen. And not just by some kid who saw a number -- I'm talking a calculated group of thieves snatched up everything on me and used it to go to town. It's times like these where I wish I could kick ass like Jason Bourne; I wish I could hunt down these awful awful people one by one and force them to watch The Hottie or the Nottie for 17 days straight, non-stop. If you've never had your ID stolen, it sort of feels like being raped by the devil. I feel violated, I feel alone, and I feel like I need a hug. Actually, I feel like a naked Lindsay Lohan -- all doped up, looking for help, but not really sure where to begin or how to pick up the broken pieces.

And you think to yourself -- why would someone do this? Why are there people in the world who feed off screwing up other people's lives. And these people probably have families and friends -- some of whom may or may not know what's going on behind closed doors. Heck, some of them may even read Cinematical when they're not selling your social security number on the internet. And if you are reading this, Mr. or Mrs. Identity Thief, I want you to know that you haven't crushed my dreams of posing naked for Vanity Fair or New York Magazine at some point down the line. That will happen! Just not today. Because I've been on the phone with the bank wishing you a long and painful death.

But hey, we're live-blogging the Oscars this Sunday night! So check out how we're preparing for the big night right ... over ... here.

Now that the writer's strike is over, the Academy Awards will arrive next Sunday (February 24) with a red carpet, with a host, with our favorite actors and actresses, and, most importantly, with writers (because what would we do without that witty banter in between awards?). So, in an effort to provide you with as many predictions as possible, we here at Cinematical will shovel out a number of different posts. Starting next week we'll have up an Oscars hub, which will include our reviews for all of the Oscar-nominated films, as well as predictions, galleries and a bunch of other fun stuff. Excited yet?

For our predictions, we'll be doing our usual official predictions post (based on a poll conducted within Cinematical headquarters), and we'll also be giving you some more, um, unique predictions, from folks like Jose, the New York City cab driver, and, well, Ernest Borgnine (who visits us annually with thoughts on the year's grandest awards). So before you submit your office poll predictions, you might want to hang around Cinematical this week to see what we (as well as all our friends) have to say.

Note: While we'll take full credit if we're right, don't go blaming us for your losses if we're wrong. But we should be right. Maybe. Who knows. But that's what's fun about it all.

What do you say about today? We all know what goes on; we've been there, seen it, done it. So, in the spirit of entertaining thousands upon thousands of strangers, here are the five most embarrassing things I've done in the name of love:

5. Fourth Grade: Had a massive crush on the cutest girl at school. Wanted to tell her, but couldn't. So I told my friend, who drafted up a letter (from me) to give to her, only I never asked him what was in the letter. Needless to say, the letter (which, I would soon find out, contained a slew of profanity) made it into the hands of the girl sitting next to my crush in the cafeteria. From there, it went to a teacher -- and I was marched up in front of the entire cafeteria; forced to sit detention for the remainder of the period. Outcome: The girl and I never spoke again.

4. Seventh Grade: Huge poetry nut -- to me, that was the key to landing a girlfriend. So I wrote my first poem, which I'll admit was a little dark and probably too deep for some kid in seventh grade. Passed the poem to another crush, who showed her parents, who called the teacher, who set me up to speak with a grade adviser about suicidal thoughts. I told the GA I was in love ... and could tell she felt very bad for me. Outcome: The girl and I never spoke again.

Oh yes, there's more ... keep reading ...

For a very short while today, some folks were able to watch a leaked Red Band trailer for Pineapple Express over on YouTube. A little birdie gave us the heads up, and I was right in the middle of bringing you folks the leaked version when I had to stop writing and -- wham -- the video was gone. But I can tell you that what I watched had me in friggin' stitches. Holy crap is this movie going to be funny. I won't say much as to not spoil the trailer (because it will be online soon, promise), but I just about lost my lunch when Seth Rogen stuck his head in a bag of weed and James Franco said, "Smell it ... it's like God's vagina."

Like with most of the films Judd Apatow sticks his name on, the regular "family-friendly" trailer does it no justice. Oh no, you NEED to see this Red Band trailer. It's absolutely fantastical! I think I'll go on record now saying this will be the funniest film of the summer -- an action comedy starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, produced by Judd Apatow and directed by ... David Gordon Green. Crazy. Anyway, just thought I'd release some excitement since I can't bring you the trailer now. Fear not, though, because when this puppy officially hits, we'll be the first to let you know.

UPDATE: A few different websites grabbed the trailer, and have it up now (for how long -- we dunno). Kinda not allowed to go there, but I'd check out all the usual suspects.

So I'm watching this Super Tuesday coverage last night, and was I the only one who was completely lost? I won't go into who I'm voting for, or who I think you should vote for, but I will talk about the various television coverage. I primarily stayed on NBC, and I'm not sure why because those folks were all over the freaking map. The most confusing part was when they'd throw in these weird polls ... and then go all lightening round with them. There were polls for the very conservative, the somewhat conservative, the conservative's who think they're Democrats but might be Republicans -- WTF, NBC! Slow it the f*ck down for a second! There was this state and that state and the delegates from over there and the delegates from over here -- and then I'd switch to MTV and they'd have this "cool kids hand-held for the teenagers You Tube-style thing" featuring a girl next to a candidate asking some random question like, "Why would you be good for President?" Good job -- next let's ask them what they're doing for summer vacation.

Is it so much to ask for one dude in jeans and a "F*ck All This" t-shirt to come on TV and be like, "Okay, these people are all nuts with their charts and their sets and their 300 different correspondents. Here's what you need to know in seven minutes." Why can't ESPN cover the Presidential election? I want statistics -- like, here's how many times (insert whoever here) lied in 2007 versus how many times they lied in 2005. Give me stats! I want that kid on MTV to turn to a candidate and say, "Can you please explain what the f*ck a caucus is because I have no flippin' idea. And how come some states do it one way and others do it another way -- how come we can't all vote on one day, one way, and be over with it?"

Anyway, when they eventually make a movie about this "historical" election, who do you think should play all the candidates? I'll get us started -- Tommy Lee Jones would kick ass as John McCain!

I just spent the last half hour with the newly-released SXSW schedule, which we brought to you earlier today. Even though I'm only a week or so away from Sundance, it's now time to get all suited up for SXSW -- a festival I'll be heading to for the first time come March. To say I'm f**king ecstatic to finally visit Austin, the Alamo Drafthouse and nosh on some tasty Texan BBQ would be an understatement. I'm beyond ecstatic. I'm f**king ecstatic times a gabillion. Seriously. And when I finally went through the schedule before, I found myself itching to see literally every single film screening this year. Holy sh*t, did Matt Dentler and his crew nail down a sweeeet lineup, or what? I'm hating Dentler right now -- what the hell am I going to see? There's so many great-looking flicks this year, my head is friggin' spinning.

Regardless of what I actually wind up seeing (Scott, Jette, Peter, Snider and I are already quietly fighting for titles behind the scenes), know that Cinematical will definitely be bringing you reviews, interviews and scene coverage for some pretty big films. We shall get the early word on flicks like Harold and Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 21, Stop-Loss, Battle in Seattle, The Promotion, Shine a Light ... and so many more. I'm there for six days, and I can tell you now that I will see more films in six days then I will probably see in the next six months. We'll also be bringing you lots of on-the-scene coverage, for those of you who can't make it to Austin this year. So if there's anything in particular you want to see from our SXSW coverage, do let us know.

You've already read the 378,000 posts we filed before, during and after this year's Sundance Film Festival, but now I'm back to let you know what we left on the cutting room floor! What was going on when the Cinematical team wasn't watching movies or writing about them? Where were we, who were we with and why did someone bring a farm animal with them? Fear not, I'm kidding -- no farm animals were brought to Sundance (and if they were, whoever brought them kept the things hidden pretty well). So here's some of what was left out of our coverage:

-- While watching a Slamdance screener at one in the morning, Erik got pissed off, woke up James and asked him why films set in New York City never feature characters who have New York accents, with the exception of racist cops, gangsters or angry taxi drivers. James agreed. Erik then went off on Boston, and how every film set in Boston needs to feature the Bahston accent -- but, for some reason, the New York accent always gets dissed. James and Erik agreed to write Spider-Man Begins, featuring Peter Parker with a thick New York accent (he grew up in Queens, after all).

-- At four in the morning at some point over the weekend, James woke up Erik to tell him he was snoring. Erik spazzed out because he thought he was being mugged by a giant. From then on out -- and because of his freakishly large shadow -- James referred to himself as the Cloverfield monster whenever he had a few drinks in him. In fact, while outside on a balcony with Michael Pitt, James actually referred to himself as the Cloverfield monster. Everyone laughed.